My whole life I’ve been surrounded by gardeners. Although I’ve gotta give them mad props for being able to manipulate the earth for their own gain and desires, I draw the line at them glorifying these petalled pansies.

I get that flowers are pretty and all, but they’re weak people. Stop idolatrizing them as great bearers of wisdom and get real!

Here’s what I know about life that flowers just don’t get.

1. Striving works.

Forget being guided to grow and the whole “Consider the lilies: they neither toil nor spin;” crap. Jesus clearly never met me.

Sucking nutrients from the ground and waiting for photosynthesis to do its job just so you can get ahead a millimeter a week is lame.

I demand my growth. What I need to succeed follows MY timeline. Especially money.

Speaking of money – flowers don’t even know what money is!

They chill out acting like they’ve got everything they need built right in. Wrong!

2. You need money

Don’t flowers know they could be living in a bigger pot? Or a prettier one?

Settling for where you are is for losers.

It’s not contentment – don’t pull that Zen B.S. on me. It’s lazy.

Winners want more and need money to buy it.

Honestly – if you were meant to thrive using just what you were given right from start, God wouldn’t have even invented money. Duh.

Money is what life is about. If you’re not out there busting your a$$ trying to get more, you have some messed up priorities.

And since we’re talking about priorities…

3. F your roots

One of the biggest loads of horse doo I’ve ever heard is that we’re all connected. “Our branches may be different, but our roots are one”.

For real? Who comes up with this shizam? I think I’m going to be sick.


Other people will drag you down and suck the life out of you.

Cut that cord.

I tie my roots to no one.

Truth? I don’t even have roots.

Why would I? I’m not some washed up wanna be trying to hold on to some flimsy excuse of what my life could be.

I’m shooting for the stars.

And stars don’t have roots.

They have a cloud of dust behind them. Which is what you’ll be coughing on while you bleed dry trying to be “one” with the world.

But let me hold up for a minute, because flowers deserve a shout of for the few good things going for them.

First, they look tight. We all know if you don’t look good, there’s no point in even trying.

Success and happiness are for beautiful people. So if you’re not one of them – take a lesson from the Cestrum Nocturnum and at least smell good. Maybe you can fool people into liking you.

Second, flowers do what it takes to survive. They go to TOWN on the weaklings! They just grow right on top of them and choke out their light till they die.

Which is the only way to get ahead. There’s not enough for everyone, period. That’s just a fact. If you want to thrive and get more for you, you’ve gotta be ruthless.

So seriously, knock off all the tree-hugging kumbayah crap and get serious.

You’re either in or you’re not. Pick your role models wisely.