I’ve been keeping a secret from you…
I make a living reminding you that you’re loved, worthy and supported, but I’ve believed I’m unloved and unsupported for as long as I can remember.
The funny part about beliefs is that when you’re finally ready to face and change them, life opens your eyes in crazy, unexpected ways.
The past two weeks, I’ve been wading through the depths of my worst emotions – anger, insecurity, grief. Maybe it was the Equinox or the new moon. Maybe it was the side effects of a medication I took (note to self: no more medications). I don’t know.
All I know is that it’s time to confess – I’m Alexis and I believe I’m unlovable.
Like all irrational beliefs, I think the thought and feel the feeling then look around for proof to validate my experience. Why else would I feel unloved and unsupported unless someone in my life was being un-loving and un-supporting?
No big surprise – as soon as I went looking for it, I found all the proof I needed in my business and personal life. Then I did what any completely normal, 100% spiritually enlightened girl would do – I freaked out and tried to get my needs met from a place of empty hurting.
Where are you justifying your habitual feelings and beliefs?
I’ll give you one guess how that turned out… In tears. A lot of tears. Way more than the situations called for, which is how I know I sought out the pain instead of accidentally stumbling into it. I had something to prove – I’m unworthy of love.
Luckily during my shamanic healing last month, I committed to getting over this crap. I said I’m ready to move beyond my limiting beliefs and I meant it. I am worthy of unconditional love, damn it!
I was clear and the Universe responded.
Over the past two weeks, as I’ve dismantled my emotional walls, I’ve discovered support, acceptance and love like I’ve never allowed myself to experience before:
- Friends called from abroad just to say they care.
- Colleagues offered their guidance and business expertise.
- Women I admire sent words of deep acceptance and love.
- New friends surprised me with an impromptu weekend away.
- Old friends laughed my witty, sarcastic side back to life with political sitcoms and one very unexpected de-christening by lime juice (don’t ask).
- Five reiki masters encircled me in a spontaneous healing session.
- And I’ve shared at least a hundred long hugs, each one warmer and more heartfelt than the next.
Was it the support I thought that I needed? No. Was it the love I thought that I wanted? No. But it’s given me so much more.
When I stopped building walls around me, I discovered that – just behind my disbelief – a swarm of loving, caring, joyful friends have been waiting for me to open and allow them in.
Once I did, everything changed – I took action. I finished projects. I sorted out my finances. I cleared out my closet. I stepped into who I want to be because their support and love reminded me of who I really am.
What’s hiding behind your beliefs waiting for you to tear down a wall? The love of your life? The permission to pursue your dreams? Forgiveness?
Close your eyes and imagine you have everything you ever wanted but keep telling yourself you don’t deserve and can’t have right now.
Go ahead. I’ll wait.
Feel what it’s like to be fully loved. Fully supported. Fully worthy of every smile, gift and blessing. Feel into the inherent joy of who you really are.
Now open your eyes and know this:
You are loved.
You are worthy.
You are supported.
Believe it, act like it or stay trapped behind your beliefs and fears. The choice is yours.
- What to do when you start slipping on your goals - January 9, 2019
- “But it’s not safe to be me…” 3 approaches to the fear of not being safe - January 7, 2019
- 3 tangible gifts of living your truth - January 5, 2019
Thank you… what a gift…. what an incredibly heart-opening gift. May you feel all the love flood back to you!
Thank you Lynn! You as well!
You are a shockingly amazing writer. I felt right there with you — the uncertainty, the pain, the eventual acceptance of love. This is the first one of your posts that I feel like I really got to take a look inside and see all of you. And let me tell you — that person is so deserving of love.
Thank you so much for your vulnerability, courage, and truth. You’ve opened the doors for a lot of people to claim theirs. Myself included.
In short, you f-ing rock.
Alexis, You have been such a source of strength and comfort for me. I know you are loveable because i love you! Joan
Thank you Joan! You are a beautiful soul!