I’m writing this on a quiet Monday morning. My last yoga class at a studio in Syracuse was canceled due to the snow storm, which, in many ways is fitting, because I’ve never been good at closure.
I let things go on too long and then regret – not that they dragged on, but that they never worked out.
On some level, I suppose I believe in do-overs and I’m continually waiting for the chance to get it “right”.
It’s an unhelpful habit for a number of reasons, but the one that really bothers me is that it’s because I reject myself: I don’t like how I handle interactions so I’m constantly wanting to “improve” and do them again.
Not that I don’t believe in self-improvement – I do. Self-awareness is an important part of living as compassionate, social beings. But I’ve been in a catch 22:
To be accepted, I’ve acted how I think I “should” be. Then I’m dissatisfied with the outcomes because I wasn’t being me. Which stems from thinking I’m unacceptable and acting differently…
Hello! No wonder I’ve been having a tough time lately!
With each step I take towards owning my powerful, confident nature, I’m whiplashed by insecurity, doubt, and self-sabotaging patterns of playing a role to be loved.
It’s exhausting and it’s not working!
I’m tired of pretending.
I know I’m genuine. I know I’m successful. I know I’m a beautiful person and compassionate, intelligent, caring, and loving.
Yet I cover it up with a package or a service I can render. I worry I have to offer some massive solution – some ridiculous and tangible product and outcome to be “worthwhile”.
I even do it in relationships – he won’t love me for me unless I give him gifts, teach him something, help with his business, or solve his problem…
I play the role of coach, teacher, good girlfriend, because performing is the only way to be accepted and loved.
It feels shitty and I’m tired of it.
I don’t want to hide behind tools and social expectations, because I have so much more to offer just by being me.
So here’s my promise to you – from now on, I will show up. Not as Alexis the coach or Alexis the yogi. Just as me.
Sure I have great tools that can help you, but my gift is seeing who you’re meant to be and helping you step into your light.
And that is enough.
My ability to hold a vision and stick to it no matter what made me a rising star when I worked for the government. I started my own team with people 3-ranks my senior and advised my Deparment’s leadership. Not because I offered great tools, but because I excel at inspiring others with what’s possible.
Maybe that doesn’t translate into a business just yet. Maybe I’ll never figure it out. But I’m tired of trying to be something I’m not and hide who I am because I don’t feel acceptable “as is”.
I’m tired of forcing myself into an uncomfortable, ill-fitting costume.
And I’m ready to stop NOW thanks to my loving online entrepreneur “colleagues” and, of course, you – my amazing clients & readers – who every day allow me to show up and serve my higher purpose while serving yours.
If you’re ready to stop playing a role and truly own your life’s work, I’m here for you. I couldn’t do it without the support of friends and coaches, and I know how hard it can be.
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” – Theodore Roosevelt
Be free, be brave, be YOU!